Comedy help

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Danimal
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Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:55 am

Hi guys

I know this may not be the most appropriate forum for this, but just thought I’d try since much of the board is capable of some quite funny posts.

I have this short stand-up set coming up and there is this one joke of mine I can’t quite nail down.

The premise is that when guys date hot younger women they consistently deny the fact they are dating for looks and say that the girl is mature for her age as a cover.

If a joke wasn’t working I would normally just dump it, but I do a call back to this joke later which always gets a good response. This was the last resort to try and salvage the initial joke.
I have pasted a few versions below. None of which are keepers. I feel they are a little wordy and lack punch. Feel free to throw in your suggested improvements. Minimal heckling please


V1: My friend recently got a much younger girl friend. Yes of course she is attractive. But Immediately, immediately, he says she’s very mature for her age. Guys say this like they are doing something noble. But thats not a good thing... what your are bragging to everyone is that you want a woman who apparently acts your age… but has body of a 20 year old! That’s just admitting you’re completely shallow! You’re an a******.

V2: My friend recently got a much younger girl friend who is 20. But guys are never honest in this situation. Immediately, immediately, he goes on and on that she is very mature for her age, VERY MATURE FOR HER AGE. But I think he’s full of s***. This chick is hot. I mean if he was dating a 20 year old with grey hair, saggy breasts who falls down stairs a lot, I would agree yeah he wants someone really mature for her age. That’s what online dating gets you.

V3: A friend of mine recently got a girl friend. She’s a bit younger, but I’m told she’s very mature. I would kind of agree she is very mature...physically!

In this situation people usually defend themselves by saying their partner is very mature for their age. Very mature for their age? urgh Thats not attractive........I asked my friend does he get turned on when she complains about inflation, pays in precise change and falls down stairs?

Your thoughts?

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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:37 am

I am not a comedian and have never written a joke for mass consumption.

That said (mr radiant!), it seems like you are hitting your turn too early in all of those. It almost needs to shorten up a bit and then have a good comparison to some other type of activity that you can use for the turn.

Again, just my two cents.

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Dan H
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Dan H » Wed Sep 24, 2014 12:00 pm

V1 is the best of them IMO.

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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 6:50 pm

Thanks. How much did you like it Dan H?

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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 6:53 pm

I still cant really think of a metaphor to slot in there.

If I make the change below to V1, is that better?

But Immediately, immediately, he says she’s very mature for her age, yeah very mature for her age (act out indicating she has a large rack)

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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 7:08 pm

Slight adjustment made blow to V1 above.

Your thoughts?


My friend recently got younger 20 year old girl friend. But Immediately, immediately, he says but she’s very mature for her age…yeah very mature for her age (act out indicating she has a large rack). Guys say this like they are doing something noble. Really?... what your are bragging to everyone is that you want a woman who apparently acts like a 30 year old… but has body of a 20 year old! That’s just admitting you’re completely shallow! Perhaps she can list that on her resume…very mature for her age.

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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Wed Sep 24, 2014 7:10 pm

I think the last one is the best.


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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Wed Sep 24, 2014 7:11 pm

Although most 20 year olds are in college (or don't have jobs that require resumes). That might be something to go to there.


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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 7:24 pm

thanks Indy. What would you give it out of 5?

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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:01 pm

Hard for me to judge as a stand alone joke and not seeing it performed. Also if it has a call back later too.

Honestly I would say it is an average joke you would see at a comedy club on the weekends in Phoenix.

But don't take that bad. Most people have to spend 5-10 years doing standup just to get to average.


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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:08 pm

No problem at all. I am just trying to make it as bomb proof as possible.

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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:10 pm

Where are you performing?


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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:25 pm

Funny story. I am living in Malaysia currently (I'm not Malaysian). There is a stand up night my gf and I go to sometimes. Some of the locals aren't too bad. Although a lot of border line racist material creeps in here. Problem is the audience seems to value rapid fire jokes and I don't see many guys dong any jokes in the style of long build up, but big pay off. Quite a few of my jokes are like that. I just really want to test different material. It may be more of a function of the short time limit the comedians are given. Will let you lads know how it goes.

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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Wed Sep 24, 2014 9:22 pm

Good luck!


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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Wed Sep 24, 2014 11:44 pm

ok here is one last try. Your thoughts? Better?


My friend recently got a much younger girl friend. He’s in his mid 30’s and She is 20… according to her fake ID. He’s like age is just a number. I’m like so I a prison sentence. But then Immediately, immediately, he says but she’s very mature for her age…yeah very mature for her age (act out indicating she has a large rack). Guys say this like they are doing something noble. Really?... what your are bragging to everyone is that you want a woman who apparently acts like a 30 year old… but has body of a 20 year old! That’s just admitting you’re completely shallow! Perhaps she can list that on her college application…sleeping with 30 year old, very mature for my age.

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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Thu Sep 25, 2014 6:32 am

Better

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Marty [Mori Chu]
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Marty [Mori Chu] » Thu Sep 25, 2014 11:58 am

I don't really think the joke works as-is. When I read this, I thought that a funny take would be to flip it back around on the person himself, the older guy, and what the girl thinks/says about that to her own friends.

---

My friend recently started dating a much younger woman. Of course the first thing he tells me is, "She's 20, but really mature for her age." I wonder what she says to her friends about him? "He's pushing 40, but he's an unemployed slob who lives with his parents! Really immature for his age!"

---

If you want to keep it about the young girl, you could just make fun of typically young things that a 20-something person would do, like:

What makes her "mature for her age", exactly? Does she always do her History homework right on time? Does she keep her dorm room nice and neat? ...

Where'd you meet her? Which mall?

So what else do you two have in common, besides your favorite emoji?

Has she stayed the night at your place yet, or did her parents pick her up before that?

...

LazarusLong
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Re: Comedy help

Post by LazarusLong » Thu Sep 25, 2014 12:33 pm

Seriously, the joke is on him.

Anybody who feels compelled to say "she's mature for age" no doubt has some deep-rooted misgivings that's he's suppressing. If you really dig a lady, you don't give two flying f---- what anybody else thinks ... :twisted: 8-)
Once upon a time, in what seems an epoch ago, the Phoenix Suns were a respectable NBA franchise ...

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Danimal
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Danimal » Tue Sep 30, 2014 6:04 pm

ok so I was happy enough with how the whole thing went. It probably helped that the two acts before me were god awful

Thanks for your help.
I can post the video if people want. Just don't know how to do that if its not on youtube?

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Indy
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Re: Comedy help

Post by Indy » Tue Sep 30, 2014 8:25 pm

Great!

just post a link.

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